update

had aidiladha breakfast at sarah's house yesterday w amirah, balqis and ezrin. saw a few cows for qurban otw. ate nasi lemak, nasi impit, steamed brownies and kek batik indulgence brought by amirah's fam. watched colonoscopy twice today. about to watch ogds / egd but dr didn't show up and we had another lecture so we had to leave, in the meanwhile finding out my clinicalmate had fibroid adenoma resection surgery march last year. scrolling stan twt and stumbling upon a tweet about the fanboy who beefed with me earlier this year currently in icu. feeling so lazy to take bath. having a brand new pimple as i ran out of acne patches and my menses duration is way shorter this cycle probably because i drank two cans of kacip fatimah last week. my friends having exams and my result being ready but dean's office when it comes to releasing exam results has the speed of sloths. 

medical journal #2

today we have the second clinical of gastro block. i felt so guilty as no one volunteered and the same people had to step up (including my clinical leader). gonna study endoscopy consent form earlier so that i can volunteer next...

since the dr in charge to teach us today is a psychiatrist, we had to take history from a psych patient who also happened to be a doctor. everyone was strangely quiet and our dr was mildly frustrated. sometimes the patient chipped in his tips during the physical exam and he got bored midway so he just fell asleep. throughout the inspection, so many patients were peeking from behind the curtain, and a few patients were hovering around the ward. we actually signed our cex forms earlier... and there is only one person who hasn't gotten their cex forms signed, it's really a wonder why he did not want to volunteer. 

at the end of exam, he left his spectacles on the bed, so i had to bring it to him and called him but he was in a daze and i ended up getting rebuked by my doctor.

we reviewed back the session and one of my groupmates reasoned the silence because of our stigma and biases. he said, we're scared of asking questions that might trigger the patient's aggressive episode. like... why are you representing us... our doctor was shocked and said, would you think this if it were your girlfriend? boyfriend? parents or family members? 

another said that it's because the patient was normal (no gastrointestinal pathological symptoms), but in reality, some patient might not have every textbook symptoms upon checkup... so this should be a practice as well. 

actually, our patient had bouts of vomiting, little sleep and hyperactivity that affects his overall mood, so he was admitted under the diagnosis of bpd. he also mentioned that he had history of hypothyroidism upon clerking. then my groupmate asked if the patient can still be a doctor (he's a general practitioner) after discharge, and our doctor was like, of course. do you know how many of you (medical students) that i'm seeing? maybe this is why they send to you to us (psych department when the current block we're learning is gastrointestinal). to correct your preconceptions in other domains. think about it, our doctor said, would you stop your study when you're diagnosed with depression, a very treatable condition? the same goes with mania. 

reminds me of my groupmate who said serve him right to a hiv (appropriately, we should use rvd - retro viral disease) patient in a case after reading his sexual history of homosexuality. 

stigma from the medical practitioner who treat people themselves is the worst. 

feline

but a cat licks its own wounds

friend-sectomy

today a friend of mine wished me happy birthday on every social media platform we have... and as my notifications were off for some apps, i only replied when i opened the app and found the wish texts. it felt a little like treasure hunt, haha. that made up my day a bit, my ex-housemates also bought me cinnamon rolls and tumbler, mom sang for me via a video, a paternal aunt bought me lots of food (still feel compensatory to me. and i feel guilty as well because i never bought her anything), and my second brother transferred me myr10 through tng (lol). 

i think friendships end when you stop wishing each other's birthday. it might not be as important to someone else, but a simple birthday wish would mean that you still care, you still have that tiny bit of interest of what's going on in someone's life. isn't the best parameter of friendship, i know, but what metric exactly does one standardise for things like friendship?

404

someone/thing i'd travel parallels for

as the cogs run

one notch of love.

no more than this. 

shoreline

belated realisation but it felt like God always puts me in situations i couldn't understand better before to let me experience the same emotion and self-deduce. 

hey

eid break passed in a blur.

so a couple of things happened. i was supposed to study for an upcoming anatomy test but i succumbed to the desire of resting and could only finish half of my target in the designated time. like last year, as well, i cut a worth of 5 kg meat along with my great granny and strained my trapezius.

this year, we celebrated first eid @ my paternal side of family, then i had to endure unsolicited advices from my paternal grandfather. nothing really changed, i am still awkward with my cousins... and again became the sore thumb sticking out. they're really nice and sweet, especially the daughters of my first paternal aunt but i personally think the timing is too late for me to blend with in the clique, and when you don't have common grounds it's even harder to strike decent conversations. we only got to visit one relative's house this time, and as we came back to my grandparents' house, the eldest brother of my dad whom i had not seen in ages were there with his three daughters. 

the next day, had to assist in the kitchen as my mom and maternal granny cooked a feast for the teeming guests (no exaggeration, it began eight in the morning and people did not stop coming until dusk fell). my hair and baju kurung literally smelled like salted fish because mom fried a bunchful of them. at times, my bored little brothers would run downstairs to the kitchen, and once a guest's son was calling his mom but my mom thought it was one of my brothers so she yelled what do you want completely unaware of the kid being a guest's son lol. one of the little boys that came brought a binder full of boboiboy cards and was so proud of it. as a fellow collector of seventeen photocards, i can relate.

that's how the 2nd eid went... it was really tiring for me bending down to the low sink and washing the dishes to the point that my feet numbed and one of my toes curled inert for a few minutes, but i know that my mom must had been more exhausted as she did laundry as well afterward. the kitchen was hella messy with seabass scale as the econsave worker refused to clean the fish due to the load of customers and my mom was descaling about eight to nine seabass total. meanwhile, my eldest younger brother was out and about with his friends to watch the movies. thankfully my second younger brother and aunt came to help. we ended up not going to our relative's house at all. 

we still had to prepare food for the guests on 3rd eid. honestly, the guests number weren't as crazy as when i was little. i remembered people coming until one to three in the morning, and how spent everyone would be as they left. my late maternal grandfather had a vast social networking of friends and relatives given his number of siblings, so a lot people even from different states used to come until my grandpa passed away, and the head of the families who came passed away as well. so now, my mom would lock the gates by 7 pm max. after all, my great granny and granny are getting older, and my uncles and aunts all have family and commitment, the household can't handle as much guests as it used to be. 

anyway, a younger brother of my late grandpa visited. he shared the most resemblance with my late grandpa, almost like the same man in a different font. actually, i thought the same about my dad's male siblings. they're really alike to each other, but the differences stand out as well. mom bursted out in tears as soon as she shook hands with that uncle of hers, as she was reminded of her late dad who truly doted on her. indeed, he was the best grandpa one could ever ask for. sometimes i miss him too. he passed in 2010, so it will soon be 14 years, and i only had little recollection of him intact. 

then at night, we had the annual salam raya session and family photoshoot... but it's a story too long i couldn't bring myself to write. only some things like. one petal of the polymer clay orchid pendant i baked broke before the photoshoot session. my dad telling me not to be too depressed about my study and hugging me. giving duit raya to my siblings and cousins as the first grandchild. my duit raya count made me happy and i got some really cute envelope designs... yeah. the sleepiness is talking. it's 1 am right now and i have pbl tomorrow :/ till then.