practical

qi wen brought us pastries (again). God bless her she's an angel <3

anatomy practical ended last week and we no longer have to keep the r95 face mask for 3-week usage, all to barrier the formalin that honestly stung our eyes. (and one of my groupmates said the cadaver smelled like milk).

we have physiology lab today, done otoscopy, the rinne and weber's test, and lastly audiometry. didn't know how to read the chart at first so i thought mine was really bad but turned out to be nash and i only had mild hearing loss lmao, we laughed when we saw natalya's, apparently hers had reached moderate. it's the price of continuously using earbuds on a daily basis i guess... 

!!!

in my spam era sooo

a lot of things? first meal at faculty of dentistry's cafe w the dk2 girls, free coffebot (again), hot chocolate caramel was nice previously, and apparently hokkaido milk tea is too. 

later in the afternoon, did mock osce with stage two students & my pblmates! feeling super dumb but some were nice about it. nervous as heck, but who isn't right... 

on the way back to college, i talked with one of my pblmates about how fun the concept of building (not literal) wall around us is, but at the end of the day it would end up trapping us back in the embodiment of loneliness.

i feel really touched that there is someone who can relate, and even cried about it with me, but i hope someday we'll grow out of our walls more and be more content with the circle we have by then, even though it won't consist of the same people anymore. 

lol

5th pbl today as student chair, well, tuesday things.

qi wen baked us crispy banana muffins (scrumptious af) & i brought the mangosteens my mom posted here. one of them was overripened and qi wen said "oh this one got necrosis"

cryin 💀

phase

i think if i were to sum up what i feel at this very moment, it would be saturation.

i've gone past burnouts, anxiety, stuffs. but now everything just feels numb, and i think the word saturation best describes it.

not wanting to do anything, not wanting to interact with anyone, binge eating and having thoughts of throwing them up afterwards but too scared of having cardiothoracic burn. attending lectures just for the sake of passing stage 1. laughing and joining hangouts just for the sake of bare minimum maintenance. not having anyone i cherish besides my mom and sometimes not even my mom. early surrender on love life and considering no marriage because i already planned out my career path although it still seems barely real now. being grateful for one second and ungrateful the next. 

thoughts like:

i wish i could be half of that

i wish i could seek comfort in cats

i wish i weren't socially awkward

hell, i want those begone if could. but no. 

like i'm running in circles, and at one point, i just don't know. even writing can't heal as much, like i'm immunocompromised. 

i'm saturated, that's it.