phase

i think if i were to sum up what i feel at this very moment, it would be saturation.

i've gone past burnouts, anxiety, stuffs. but now everything just feels numb, and i think the word saturation best describes it.

not wanting to do anything, not wanting to interact with anyone, binge eating and having thoughts of throwing them up afterwards but too scared of having cardiothoracic burn. attending lectures just for the sake of passing stage 1. laughing and joining hangouts just for the sake of bare minimum maintenance. not having anyone i cherish besides my mom and sometimes not even my mom. early surrender on love life and considering no marriage because i already planned out my career path although it still seems barely real now. being grateful for one second and ungrateful the next. 

thoughts like:

i wish i could be half of that

i wish i could seek comfort in cats

i wish i weren't socially awkward

hell, i want those begone if could. but no. 

like i'm running in circles, and at one point, i just don't know. even writing can't heal as much, like i'm immunocompromised. 

i'm saturated, that's it.