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it's a constant cycle of high and low moods, alternatively. it'll be so nice if this is just on a whim. academic workload has stunted my writing progresses and i no longer find joy in narrating - it taxes my time and energy both. lately too, life felt so heavy that i had to hold my tears while laughing in front of people. i don't know anymore. it's distasteful, but i am alive. i have to make do with this blessing of a life when it has so much to offer, but what do i have to do when my tomorrows seem so bleak in my eyes.

it scares me so much that no one can pull me out this abyss but myself. 

if

if good deeds are like tokens to fortune. what will one do if it ever runs out. 

turmoil

i haven't felt this sad for a while. i wish i knew how to care for a heart this brittle, and not let the fear paralyse my steps. 

october

schedule for this week is pretty tight.

it's bio imaging week and class starts from eight in the morning all way to the one in the afternoon, and then another two hours of orientation briefing. one of my lecturers had a coccyx fracture due to falling from slippery floor (radiology department's air conditioner was leaking), and she was embarrassed to have a proper ct / mri scan in her own department so she just settled by diagnosing herself with x-ray. idk but the dr said it would be equivalent to urologist getting stones... yeah people do say that doctors make the worst patients.

we also had super lengthy radiation discussion around x-ray fatal effect, never proven, but speculated to be one of two millions. and funnily enough this other dr just made us grasp the fact that radiation effect doesn't relate entirely with distance but mostly how the exposure happens (more things blocking it?) so you get higher radiation as you climb mountains because there are less things blocking you from the sunlight.

then we are having batch photoshoot after class today and i have to rush to the airport since my brother is having six month internship in doha. the last day of the week will also be filled with ward tour with a senior since i'll be starting my surgery posting next week. if it weren't for the overlap, i would've just gone with my roommate who is one year above me... but yeah maybe everything is for the better. till then.

rites

from the tears of a jester. assembling them like patchwork quilt;

(novel) sorrow is a well. a deep well that even the clown himself does not know the end of.

(manhwa chap 17) the fifth commandment is... offer your master loyalty, but not your heart. if you do not follow that rule, your tears will never run dry. and crying jesters can't make anyone laugh.

(manhwa chap 42) sweet, naive jester... now, at the last, you're tearing my heart to ribbons. // i never permitted you to cry, yet you rend my heart to the very end. // your highness, please do not despise me. please do not forsake me, for i am eternally yours.

(manhwa chap 43) but even though i am utterly yours, i would still mourn the death of a robin that had spent its entire life encaged, just as i would bury a butterfly that met its demise before the close of spring, or commemorate a young deer felled by a hunter's arrow.

(manhwa chap 48) the fate of the bat, constantly flitting about and changing sides, was ultimately to plunge to the ground.

(manhwa chap 56) why do they seek to snap the wings of a robin that has never once left its cage?

(manhwa chap 68) my sun has been shattered, and now i will be his endless night. 

(manhwa chap 79) i took so much from you. just what were you grateful for? if an afterlife might exist, may your hair there be eternally crimson.

(manhwa chap 85) can you not forgive me? // i am leaving precisely so that i may forgive you, your majesty. someday, when i have became something other than a jester, i shall return to you with forgiveness in my heart, your majesty. 

idle day

in the middle of studying session marsha opens a tiktok live where the host makes literal conches race and the loser of that race gets cooked in masak lemak dish... and some of the viewers gifted the host tiktok gifts worth about myr1000

ethel cain's strangers

if the song per chance really talks about cannibalism it feels so close to how the thoughts of you had been eating me away. you had been consuming parts and parcels of my soul and i hope they're poison. 

medical journey #4

had cervical cancer lecture this morning and to my surprise, dr said that currently hpv testing is the way to go instead of pap smear. pros: detect the virus strain right away, faster and more specific result. cons: pricey. and it's not even widely available in malaysia yet. dr told us to check out rose hpv programme online - and so i did. medicine really moves in a fast pace, the drugs, the tech.

since we're learning in a university hospital, granted there were extra access to techs that are not available in gov hospitals all over the country. even then, we're still outsourced as to keep up with the advancing machineries, a proper molecular lab is needed and to establish one is such a tedious, costly process.