car ride

i am having a terrible diarrhoea. 

my dad wanted to try the infamous rojak pasembor @ padang kota lama so much as per recommended by his colleague, so we went there and apparently it was hawkers' court, with very cramped visitors and terrible drainage system - mind you the stench. they are some rohingya children selling tissues too and you know, syndicate... all in all, very unhygienic place. you can see the floor is neither sweeped nor mopped, and vendors would crowd you the moment you sit to take order. peak survival thing. 

there was the vast sea in front of the hawkers' stall perfect for tourist's attraction. by the hallway there's an elderly busking 70s malay songs. some balloon artists dressed themselves as clowns and characters from children's side of youtube. 

look what the craving costed us... we were practically hogging the toilet last night. 

during the car ride back to my hometown today, i keep pondering about this making a living thing. oh how hard is it to put food on the table and the recent tiktok trend of the could've-been occupations, could've-dreams if it weren't for the need to survive living with bucks. my dad was driving again while my stomach churned as the chi kit teck aun pill given by my mom settled my inside, and he talked about how the short story competitions i won could be used in my resume. 

like, no, writing is one of the God's gifts that i am most grateful for, but in my field of future work (if i get to compelete this damn degree) they won't count. science people majorly, especially those who are not mutually exclusive in their interests about art, look down on this, don't they. 

it's still crystal clear in my mind how my science teacher in high school was talking about fibre optic, the miracle of it being able to convey information, and this were her exact words: if this doesn't pique your interest or curiosity, you better go take literature. cause we were science stream students, still, i was partly hurt because i value art and literature just as much, but then again maybe it's just me being a snowflake. 

just

a random diarrhoea rant.

//

we later dropped by cameron highland and passed by the first strawberry farm there, now closed for good. there are lots of small stores by the roadside with scant or no customers at all, humbled down by the competition of newer organised stores with parking lots. easier to shop for longer and safer too. cameron highland is exceptionally busy today, cars non-stop cruising down the roads.

when i go to somewhere unfamiliar, particularly a town, i always imagine myself working and spending the rest of my life there. i feel boxed when i do so, but i can't help it.

i wonder if people from other places see us in the same light.

even when i am in the kitchen with my great granny, i can't help but think: ah, it's such a lonely place to spend the rest of my days. she's nearly ninety now... it always makes me think. 

yeah. 

practical

qi wen brought us pastries (again). God bless her she's an angel <3

anatomy practical ended last week and we no longer have to keep the r95 face mask for 3-week usage, all to barrier the formalin that honestly stung our eyes. (and one of my groupmates said the cadaver smelled like milk).

we have physiology lab today, done otoscopy, the rinne and weber's test, and lastly audiometry. didn't know how to read the chart at first so i thought mine was really bad but turned out to be nash and i only had mild hearing loss lmao, we laughed when we saw natalya's, apparently hers had reached moderate. it's the price of continuously using earbuds on a daily basis i guess... 

!!!

in my spam era sooo

a lot of things? first meal at faculty of dentistry's cafe w the dk2 girls, free coffebot (again), hot chocolate caramel was nice previously, and apparently hokkaido milk tea is too. 

later in the afternoon, did mock osce with stage two students & my pblmates! feeling super dumb but some were nice about it. nervous as heck, but who isn't right... 

on the way back to college, i talked with one of my pblmates about how fun the concept of building (not literal) wall around us is, but at the end of the day it would end up trapping us back in the embodiment of loneliness.

i feel really touched that there is someone who can relate, and even cried about it with me, but i hope someday we'll grow out of our walls more and be more content with the circle we have by then, even though it won't consist of the same people anymore. 

lol

5th pbl today as student chair, well, tuesday things.

qi wen baked us crispy banana muffins (scrumptious af) & i brought the mangosteens my mom posted here. one of them was overripened and qi wen said "oh this one got necrosis"

cryin 💀

phase

i think if i were to sum up what i feel at this very moment, it would be saturation.

i've gone past burnouts, anxiety, stuffs. but now everything just feels numb, and i think the word saturation best describes it.

not wanting to do anything, not wanting to interact with anyone, binge eating and having thoughts of throwing them up afterwards but too scared of having cardiothoracic burn. attending lectures just for the sake of passing stage 1. laughing and joining hangouts just for the sake of bare minimum maintenance. not having anyone i cherish besides my mom and sometimes not even my mom. early surrender on love life and considering no marriage because i already planned out my career path although it still seems barely real now. being grateful for one second and ungrateful the next. 

thoughts like:

i wish i could be half of that

i wish i could seek comfort in cats

i wish i weren't socially awkward

hell, i want those begone if could. but no. 

like i'm running in circles, and at one point, i just don't know. even writing can't heal as much, like i'm immunocompromised. 

i'm saturated, that's it.

anew

my mornings recently start like, really early.

i walked for 15 minutes to the lecture hall from my residency college at 6.50 a.m., booked seats for my friends, had breakfast at medicafe. there is this one huge whiteboard where most people scribble freely, last week's a dinosaur doodle, this week barney and peppa pig cameo. some lectures felt long, some felt short. this week alone, there were already three alumni lecturers mentioning about how they were the back benchers back in their student days. the guy in front of me had a sunny smile and matthew verse at the back of his phone case. 

on monday we went to the hypertensive campaign to support my friend's clinical doctor, and after taking blood pressure reading we even got free coffeebot voucher to use at a nearby coffee vending machine. the hot caramel choc was really nice, and the cup was adorable because when you shift the cup holder the robot's face on it changed along. there was also special salt for hypertension patients sold at one of the booths, and posters about dash diet. we later discovered about homey, an organisation that provided affordable healthy meals for people at risk of hypertension, or diet attempters with a plan of 5/10/20 days. 

during one small gap of lecture my friend told me about how her clinical doctor actually skipped mo because he was offered to further a master's programme during housemanship and ended up being a specialist two years earlier than his peers, but with a 7-year-bond with our university. since we both are under the same scholarship that bonds us 5 year after degree ends, and the university is a government body, the 5 years is counted in the 7 years period, and honestly? that path sounds really interesting, more time-saving, and comfier than the hell that caused hartal. but the thing is, it sure isn't as easy as it sounds, and i don't know if i could ace it like how the admirable doctor did. 

yeah, i got four more years to fix things, hoping that i could survive this with my friends. 

and then the random airdrop thing. i was half asleep during the lecture last week when i accept an airdrop of a pink piggy doodle accompanied with a reminder don't sleep. just now i received another... it was a dog sandwiched by buns which, i suspected is supposed to be a punny meme of a hot dog. what else, during breaks there would always be kind people, like the girl who offered me and sufi pound cake for free. 

nice day, overall. 

after all it's wednesday and wednesday means, 

going seventeen day :) 

no one's here anyway

my eyes are heavy and my mind is telling me to hit the sack already.

yet i went here and repeated the same thing over and over again. pouring my heart cause i can, publish it, and archive it after a few days passed. 

my writings here are all one man show anyway.

an empty vessel just like me. 

!!!

spm dah habis!!!

granted the long-awaited three months holiday... now i guess, this is what retirement feels like. when you're fed with routine for such a long period, you'll feel like days of freedom is a life lacklustre.

nevermind, we'll discuss it later. so a few weeks ago (while i was still in my dear school) my classmate and i bumped into the star article which listed down some good flicks from japanese film festival. we had a mini hassle about who's going to keep the article. well she relented but no worries i snapped some pictures and sent it to her for reference.

out of 13 pieces, the title 'when i get home my wife always pretend to be dead' caught my eyes the most. i decided to watch it on telegram, and finished the movie approx 2 hours and less.

here's my fleeting review: so warm yet beautiful. it has like very few romantic words and i'm so mad amazed with the creative love expression shown by the wife, chie... so does jun. i think if you look at the title and discovered the answer around the 110th minute, you will treasure the existence of the movie more.

to my surprise it was based on real life from a 2010 yahoo! questions that gradually sprung into a song, a book, a comic and yes here a film.

pretty creative way of conveying morals 

guess japanese really love making titles out of questions whose answers lie along the story. like let me eat your pancreas or your lies in april...