back pain

insomniacs concert 180323

epic. listening to sempurna live was so fun, worth the hypoglycemia & muscles ache on our knees from waiting for too long

광합성 해야지

<15 days before rsa i guess.

i don't know better myself. today is one hell of a day, this week in general is. had mantoux test yesterday because a batchmate was tested positive with tuberculosis, the elevator at my residence broke in the middle of the day while the other one was in an endless maintenance so i had to climb a hellish number of stairs home. post-covid lungs are BAD bad. and then since my anaesthetist dr is going to singapore this week, she advanced our clinical session to today.

i kid you not, my first time having a clinical session by the university lake T-T wasn't too bad, though, but the sky soon poured albeit not too heavily. right now here i am, in the grabcar ride home, rethinking my life decision for the nth time. i just want to pass this time, that's all. 

stupid

stupid stupid stupid

why let your intrusive thought wins when you already held things well for months, really embarrassing why do you have to stoop this low really

you know how it feels when someone annoy you to your core and then why do you do it again

i'm so ashamed with myself i can't even describe it with words

so much for a severed past

car ride

i am having a terrible diarrhoea. 

my dad wanted to try the infamous rojak pasembor @ padang kota lama so much as per recommended by his colleague, so we went there and apparently it was hawkers' court, with very cramped visitors and terrible drainage system - mind you the stench. they are some rohingya children selling tissues too and you know, syndicate... all in all, very unhygienic place. you can see the floor is neither sweeped nor mopped, and vendors would crowd you the moment you sit to take order. peak survival thing. 

there was the vast sea in front of the hawkers' stall perfect for tourist's attraction. by the hallway there's an elderly busking 70s malay songs. some balloon artists dressed themselves as clowns and characters from children's side of youtube. 

look what the craving costed us... we were practically hogging the toilet last night. 

during the car ride back to my hometown today, i keep pondering about this making a living thing. oh how hard is it to put food on the table and the recent tiktok trend of the could've-been occupations, could've-dreams if it weren't for the need to survive living with bucks. my dad was driving again while my stomach churned as the chi kit teck aun pill given by my mom settled my inside, and he talked about how the short story competitions i won could be used in my resume. 

like, no, writing is one of the God's gifts that i am most grateful for, but in my field of future work (if i get to compelete this damn degree) they won't count. science people majorly, especially those who are not mutually exclusive in their interests about art, look down on this, don't they. 

it's still crystal clear in my mind how my science teacher in high school was talking about fibre optic, the miracle of it being able to convey information, and this were her exact words: if this doesn't pique your interest or curiosity, you better go take literature. cause we were science stream students, still, i was partly hurt because i value art and literature just as much, but then again maybe it's just me being a snowflake. 

just

a random diarrhoea rant.

//

we later dropped by cameron highland and passed by the first strawberry farm there, now closed for good. there are lots of small stores by the roadside with scant or no customers at all, humbled down by the competition of newer organised stores with parking lots. easier to shop for longer and safer too. cameron highland is exceptionally busy today, cars non-stop cruising down the roads.

when i go to somewhere unfamiliar, particularly a town, i always imagine myself working and spending the rest of my life there. i feel boxed when i do so, but i can't help it.

i wonder if people from other places see us in the same light.

even when i am in the kitchen with my great granny, i can't help but think: ah, it's such a lonely place to spend the rest of my days. she's nearly ninety now... it always makes me think. 

yeah. 

practical

qi wen brought us pastries (again). God bless her she's an angel <3

anatomy practical ended last week and we no longer have to keep the r95 face mask for 3-week usage, all to barrier the formalin that honestly stung our eyes. (and one of my groupmates said the cadaver smelled like milk).

we have physiology lab today, done otoscopy, the rinne and weber's test, and lastly audiometry. didn't know how to read the chart at first so i thought mine was really bad but turned out to be nash and i only had mild hearing loss lmao, we laughed when we saw natalya's, apparently hers had reached moderate. it's the price of continuously using earbuds on a daily basis i guess... 

!!!

in my spam era sooo

a lot of things? first meal at faculty of dentistry's cafe w the dk2 girls, free coffebot (again), hot chocolate caramel was nice previously, and apparently hokkaido milk tea is too. 

later in the afternoon, did mock osce with stage two students & my pblmates! feeling super dumb but some were nice about it. nervous as heck, but who isn't right... 

on the way back to college, i talked with one of my pblmates about how fun the concept of building (not literal) wall around us is, but at the end of the day it would end up trapping us back in the embodiment of loneliness.

i feel really touched that there is someone who can relate, and even cried about it with me, but i hope someday we'll grow out of our walls more and be more content with the circle we have by then, even though it won't consist of the same people anymore. 

lol

5th pbl today as student chair, well, tuesday things.

qi wen baked us crispy banana muffins (scrumptious af) & i brought the mangosteens my mom posted here. one of them was overripened and qi wen said "oh this one got necrosis"

cryin 💀

phase

i think if i were to sum up what i feel at this very moment, it would be saturation.

i've gone past burnouts, anxiety, stuffs. but now everything just feels numb, and i think the word saturation best describes it.

not wanting to do anything, not wanting to interact with anyone, binge eating and having thoughts of throwing them up afterwards but too scared of having cardiothoracic burn. attending lectures just for the sake of passing stage 1. laughing and joining hangouts just for the sake of bare minimum maintenance. not having anyone i cherish besides my mom and sometimes not even my mom. early surrender on love life and considering no marriage because i already planned out my career path although it still seems barely real now. being grateful for one second and ungrateful the next. 

thoughts like:

i wish i could be half of that

i wish i could seek comfort in cats

i wish i weren't socially awkward

hell, i want those begone if could. but no. 

like i'm running in circles, and at one point, i just don't know. even writing can't heal as much, like i'm immunocompromised. 

i'm saturated, that's it.